THIS. IS. ROUGH. Yet, I feel prompted to share a completely unpolished and unfinished piece of creativity with you today in spite of myself. This is just one vocal pass without having been edited or comped together with better lines or phrases. I feel fairly exposed to show you this, without selecting any bests, and without tweaking, editing, overdubs, or mixing… yes, this is rough. But rough is okay!

 

We live our lives in the unfiltered.

 

I enjoy spending time with creatives. This time with Jonatha Brooke was exceptional, and the differences from person to person, story to story, style to style, and song to song provided a fantastic opportunity to… listen.

 

First, I had to listen to what has been going on inside of myself in order to take a current piece of songwriting to lay on the table and play with. I wanted to listen in and ask myself where I am right now – today. And in doing so, these words surfaced:

 

Red Rover, Red Rover and your love came over

You broke through my fences

We made love a home

I’ve been hiding and seeking the win inside the loss

And in the solitary company

I play the game of rediscovering

Me

I’m moving forward

Can’t go back to where I’ve been

Moving forward

To find out who I am

I won’t fail – no such thing

Fear has no control of me

The wandering and wondering is leading me

To finally

Be

I’ve been lost inside myself

Living without you

Twenty years together

Breathing two as one

For the first time in forever

My right side went away

And with all that’s left

I’ve been holding on

I’m moving forward

Can’t go back to where I’ve been

Moving forward

To find out who I am

I won’t fail – no such thing

Fear has no control of me

The wandering and wondering is leading me

To finally

Be

My heart doesn’t beat the same

It’s the heart of healing

The air doesn’t feel the same

It’s the breath of healing

I’ll never be the same never be the same

I’m changed – gonna live that way

All I need, I have today

And it’s beauty

 

This may or may not become a finished song. I wrote it just to have something in the right now season to work around.

 

Michael – on our first date – said something that continued on throughout our years together:

 

I wondered if I had pizza sauce on my cheek, and asked, “Do I have anything on my face?”

 

“Just beauty.”

 

That was his response. From that time forward, “Just beauty.”

 

Every time. That was his answer. Always.

 

You have no idea how many days I feel as though I “have something on my face!” Balancing finances alone is hard. Raising kids alone is hard. Becoming me without Mike is hard. It’s messy on so many accounts, on more days than you probably imagine.

 

But even in the mess — in SPITE of the mess — and dare I even say, BECAUSE of the mess, I hear those words echo as an answer to all my wonderings:

 

“Just beauty.”

 

As I rediscover me — as I peer into who I am today within the taffy pull of becoming one again in this world, carrying a feeling that half of me walks in eternity — I surrender to the unpolished and the unfinished.

Two had become one flesh, and then once again.

So there’s a learning curve of having to live here and now – in my own skin and person. And it’s quite changed.

 

It’s been over two years, and it’s been a season of finding the “just me,” while becoming comfortable being the what-you-see-is-what-you-get “just me.”

 

The journey – with all its wondering and wandering – leads me on.

 

And because eternity is seeded [and seated] deeply in the heart of who I am, I’m moving forward.

 

I hope you — my fellow wanderers and wonderers — have a “just beauty” day all of your own.

 

XO!