I opened up an “add new post” tab to start writing all that I want to say regarding where we are going from here. Before I began typing the content, I went to the right of the text block to set the time stamp and schedule the morning launch.
It. Stopped. Me. In. My. Tracks.
When I saw December 2, 2016 05:11 a.m., I suddenly realized the reverence of this moment.
My mind’s eye immediately flashed back to the horrific scene. I was looking through the glass of the I.C.U. room window, and the doctor stood to my left and called, “Time of death: 5:11.”
My brother was holding me up from behind, and nothing inside of me believed what I was watching.
It didn’t feel like I was experiencing it, though I was. No, I was watching this. I had to be. And in a second they’d go back to what they had promised me 20 minutes earlier, “Don’t worry if you see chest compressions. It can be standard procedure while we intubate. Don’t let it scare you, even though it may look bad.”
But that room cleared out so fast, and I was left alone with Michael’s empty body.
For the next three hours, I sat on his bed, trying to somehow settle the raging war inside of my chest. “This couldn’t be happening” was at war with “this is actually happening.”
I cried. I prayed. I talked to Michael in my thoughts — just too pummeled to even speak words out loud.
Something so bizarre happened.
Somehow, as his body temperature grew cold [and I now knew that death’s color is NOT like it is portrayed in a detective show] I understood that as much as I HATED THIS, he was not coming back. Mike would not live again in that lifeless shell — bruised and broken from the battle he fought like a champion to the death.
I was unable to walk; my entire body was trembling and jolting — especially my legs — like when you are really cold or extremely nervous (but times 1000!). Sounds that I didn’t know could possibly come from my frame flooded the Unit halls as my friend Jennifer wheeled me out of the hospital. To Mike and I, this place had become our sacred place with each other — where we shared fears, terror, alarm, joys, laughter, my birthday, our anniversary, sweet conversations, and intense prayer — a place where we fought for Mike’s healing for 11 days — night and day.
I will never forget that when Jennifer’s husband and another friend were gathering our cars, I started to say, “Mike will go and drive our car around.” But the words halted when I knew that I was speaking aloud the very first act that Mike had always naturally done — this first small thing needed to be filled by someone else, and it immediately became such a big thing.
The rest of the day consisted of telling my children, “He’s gone,” to posting on Facebook this shocking announcement through this brief quote from one of our favorite movies Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium:
I’ll spend my lifetime rising to the occasion, and make the most of Michael Shroyer’s life of wonder, well-lived.
For now….
“He dies.”
After posting that on Facebook to announce this “end of Mike’s 5 acts,” I fell in and out of sleep.
Exhaustion and adrenaline were warring it out in my worn-out body, and I remained wrapped in a Superman blanket in the couch corner as the hours passed and as close friends and family found their way to Cre8Home to console one another, and to begin this shocking whatever-this-was.
So, I will post the things that I thought I’d share today… tomorrow. Today is a day to remember, and tomorrow will be a day to turn the page and look into the new story-in-the-making. One of our new Acts.
Yes, for today, I am taking my kids — who fell apart on my lap last year — on a hike to Hanging Rock to commemorate our year of rising.
Our first 365 days… closer.
Tonight, we are gathering with friends to share in an “Open Mike Night” and even if people choose to share stories of Mike that we’ve heard ten thousand times, I am totally and 100% okay with that!
I hope you will return tomorrow to read what I thought I’d share today; it feels wrong to talk of ourselves today, so I am putting those words on hold, so not to cloud our need to “see” and “hear” today’s view of needed consolation and healing. I don’t want to miss a thing.
Today, we huddle.
Today, again we rise.
We are thankful for every day together when we walked with Michael Shroyer, in fields of gold.
If you knew Mike, I know your grief today may be strong.
You all know that he would want for you to do something for someone with your love today.
So . . .
Live your life like every ONE matters.
Don’t put a period where God has a comma.
Your present circumstance does not define you.
Leverage your influence to help someone BE and BECOME.
Spend time on your knees.
Fight FOR each other, not against.
Play some basketball.
And always, ALWAYS…
Lead with Love.
~ some of the phrases spoken often by Michael Shroyer
Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.
Thank you for walking with us during these #11daysofgoodgrief.
Tomorrow… a new page will turn…
Your recount still brings me to flowing unfathomable tears. We travelled those days with you from afar, yet felt beside you and your family. God bless and shower you with His love especially today!
Ami, thank you for letting us in and allowing us to walk these 365 days with you. May our journey together continue. God is doing great things in all of our lives. When I woke this morning my mind was singing: ‘O LORD my God, when I in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made. I see the stars. I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout, the universe displayed – then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art, how great Thou art, then my sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee: How great Thou art – how great Thou art!” Love you!
Beautiful, Dawn. <3
(Mike would have counted that extra day, if he were counting the number of days he has loved Ami anyway, because it was a leap year. 366 days.)
I remember the shock I felt that whole day, and finally as I didn’t know what else to do after we had bought our plane tickets, packed our things, and made arrangements for our children, I put in this movie – a movie we had never watched before Mike showed clips at Cre8. He taught us to love this movie, but that was so insignificant compared to the many important things he taught us. I didn’t know how true it would become. I still sob at these words:
“And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words ‘He dies,’ but because of the life we saw prior to the words. …
“I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I’m only asking that you turn the page, continue reading … and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest ‘He died.’
“Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.”
Maybe I’m biased, but I think no one rises to the occasion like the Shroyer 3 rise.
Crystal has said what I am feeling as well. No further words needed on this day.?
In tears watching this, some with joy, some with sadness. You have taugh us all so much the past year and I agree with the previous post, no rises like the Shroyer 3! May you all have a blessed day filled with wonderful memories and God’s peace as you start the next chapter! Much love to you all my friend?
THIS STILL. As I cannot elaborate on thoughts and feelings most if the time, I will start by saying, I love you, I love Mike, JMichael, and Miss Sadie!!!
I stood in enveloping shock on that day. Nothing made sense. Surreal. You were so far away. Mike leaving this world to be in the presence of the Lord shook our world here as well; shook my faith!! I thought it would shatter. After watching the celebration of his life, we watched your trust in GOD carry you through each excruciating breath, hour, day, week, and month!! RISING
In the few short months after that, Barry’s Mom passed, then your sweet dad, and then my dear Momma. More shattering. I have been wrecked! So much so, my body, mind, and spirit have never experienced this kind of setback, and need for recovery.
Your, Shroyer 3 journey updates have kept my head above the water!! Your Good Grief Project has helped sustain me in the waves!! Hope rises in the face of mourning!! I know there will come a day of victory. Until then, I will watch you 3 rise and share your thoughts, your songs, your surrender, and lead the way where no-one, that I’m aware of, has ever so graciously, openly, and un-selfessly lead others as we traverse the road of grief!! THANK YOU!!
I am so very blessed to call you Friend!! We’ve been through a lot together in our 25 years!! Miles separate us, but the Spirit keeps us close!! I am soTHANKFUL!!
Love you too too too,
?Peggy
Ami, Thanks for sharing and reminding us of what an amazing man of God Mike was, and what an awesome legacy he’s left.
Continued prayers for your family as you continue to rise and navigate this journey forward!
In tears…praying for you and your children today. Just the fact and significance of seeing that time as you began to write is a testimony of God holding you in EVERY moment. He knows, He sees, He cares, He listens, and yes, He causes you all to rise. With your rising, He is glorified, and lives are being changed by His Spirit. Thank you for giving and sharing. It is making a difference in the Kingdom. Much love and prayers!
Beautiful, tragic, life-taking, life-giving, tears, joy, pain, peace. All of this collides into a perfect storm. Ami, JMichael, and Sadiella, you have risen.
We remember the day our son called to tell us of Mike’s death. A hole was left in his heart that day for sure! And, in ours. We praise God for the wonderful work God did through Mike – and you – in the life of a 9 year old boy you met at summer camp. You mentored our son through difficult times as a young adult and helped him to find Christ’s light and purpose for himself. Kevin followed in His footsteps, just as you and Mike modeled for him. And, this year he joins Mike in the place we all long to be – in a group hug with Jesus. Our hearts ache with yours, and we continue to lift you to the throne of Grace, confident in God’s perfect love for us!!!
I’ve been wanting to connect with you.
I hope you were able to see what I wrote about Mike and Kevin on the day of Kevin’s passing.
You’ve been in my prayers every day since.
Love you in this journey.
Ami
There is a strength that only comes from the Holy Spirit—and you and your family have been a beautiful example of that!—-My brother’s wife recently went to heaven—and he has an 8 and 13 year old—I was there with him this past weekend and shared your story—-He —too has exhibited that incredible strength by the Holy Spirit—that God is sovereign and there is a purpose to all of this. I know there grief and sorrow –ebbs and flows—and there is a disconnect with the heart and the head—with grace and pain—but God!