In yesterday’s post, I shared how the discipline of “finding your happy heart [joy in spite of unwanted circumstance] and teachable spirit [willing surrender]” solidified a response to tragedy in our children that has helped them begin their navigation through the unknown passages of grief. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’ve had to “find MY happy heart” before the Lord over this difficult year!
*** Disclaimer: Crying is part of emotional release, and happens in, around, and throughout all that I am talking about in this post. Please don’t misunderstand me, and think that I am saying to cut off emotion. We have our emotions for needed release. What I am talking about is within the inner-posturing of the soul. Okay, now read on…
After yesterday’s post, I began to receive private messages from people asking me, “How?” and sharing with me the tragic loss that is bringing storm to this holiday season 2016.
Today, I tried really hard during some family pictures with the Shroyers to “smile with my eyes.” Our photo shoot with Mabyn the other day was sort of a personal and disastrous episode of “awkward family photos!”
You know you’re OFF when your kids are viewing the images with you and keep asking, “MOM! What’s wrong with your face!?! So last night, I was telling my sister-in-law, Cara, about it, and she laughed and said, “Let me see!”
I showed her through the images Mabyn had sent and watched Cara’s response turn to laughter, “Ummmm… when you told me what the kids said to you, I thought they were being rude, but Ami… [laughing]… what’s wrong with your face!?!”
So, for today’s family Thanksgiving pictures, I tried extra hard to smile from deep inside so that my eyes would show the joy…
It’s there. But…
::sigh:: you still can’t tell in a family photo!
Here’s the evidence. You don’t even have to look closely to see the not-normal-yet behind my eyes:
Why am I showing you this?
What does this have to do with this new song???
I am showing this to give you a glimpse into the fact that I can have HOPE but still be living “in process.”
So, to answer the question, HOW? . . . I can try by sharing the inspiration behind this song:
SURRENDER.
Every day — and many times most days — I have to speak to my soul. These conversations are just as essential to me as they were to King David, and thankfully, many of his are recorded throughout the Psalms to give someone like me some hope. Within the soul, we give power to the mind [reasoning and imagination], the emotions [feelings], and the will [the command center for momentary choices and decisions]. I speak to my soul, and tell it to get in line — to surrender. I cannot allow woeful thoughts to overtake me, fears of the future to paralyze me, or present emoticoaster rides to rule me. I would collapse!
So, daily surrender is the absolute best response to the “How” question that I can offer.
I wrote this song out of those daily conversations. Each day, my fill-in-the-blank “for this reason _____” will vary, but the art of surrender is the same, and fills me with strength beyond my own — no matter the reason.
All to Jesus
I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In presence
I will live
I get stuck when I change that surrender to:
“some to Jesus, I surrender… But let me hold onto this… and this… and perhaps just a little or a whole lot of… this.”
No. The hands of my Savior are trustworthy, and I need my Rescuer/Superhero to reach in and save me from my inner-battles every. single. day. Tight hands and raised fists on my part bring me harm and are not real strength at all. I let go, and He holds me.
For this reason______, I surrender.
I absolutely LOVE the background vocal lines throughout this song. As you listen, I hope you will feel the waves of your inner-storm begin to ebb and flow into a gentle sway. In your surrender, Jesus has the opportunity to stand at the helm of your soul and raise His arms to the Heavens, commanding the wind and the waves to obey.
Peace. Be Still.
Let that be your over-riding thought as you choose to love and trust Him.
He will never tire, or grow weary of your asking. And you and I can surrender reason after reason, after reason… after reason.
Someday soon, I will be able to smile for family photos, even from behind my eyes.
It’s there.
It’s just taking more time than expected… to rise.
Full Song Lyrics
For This Reason I Kneel (I Surrender)
How do I keep from feeding this bitter root?
How do I not let my warm heart grow cold?
How do I keep the anger from consuming my soul?
How do I keep believing in what I cannot see?
How do I not let go of all hope?
How do I keep sorrow from taking me over, over?
For this reason I kneel
I lay me down
Every reason I have to hold on, I surrender
For this reason I kneel
Your will be done
You have a plan for Your glory
And I surrender
Now is the time for believing in what I cannot see
Now I will face tomorrow with hope
Now from my knees, I’ll arise, and I’ll keep letting go, oh
For this reason I kneel
I lay me down
Every reason I have to hold on, I surrender
For this reason I kneel
Your will be done
You have a plan for Your glory
All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence I will live
For this reason I kneel
I lay me down
Every reason I have to hold on, I surrender
For this reason I kneel
Your will be done
You have a plan for Your glory
For this reason I kneel
I lay me down
Every reason I have to hold on, I surrender
For this reason I kneel
Your will be done
You have a plan for Your glory
You have a plan for my good
You have a plan for Your glory
And I surrender
Yes, I surrender
You’ve risen in record time, even if your eyes and face don’t quite seem the same in those family photos. Your words and songs are evidence of your determination to rise, which has come from that place of beautiful, sweet, painful surrender. It’s been so hard to watch, and yet so inspiring. Many stories of hope and triumph have already come from those witnessing and realizing that if you can rise, so can they. I wonder about all He has planned for His glory – and your good, too – from the rising after the tragedy and the calm after the storm, and I’m sure no mind can imagine nor heart conceive … but this song and your life will help many to rise and many to surrender ALL. Thank you.
P.S. I think Mike would want you to know that you’re as beautiful as ever, probably more than ever, even with the sorrow behind your eyes and somewhat-forced smile. <3
That’s really beautiful. Thank you Crystal!
Absolutely beautiful!!! Love everything about this!
Thank you so much, Dawn! ♥️
there are a multitude i
of reasons (40,000 i think!) that i am grateful for your friendship, ami, but your thoughts here are why iron sharpens iron…from you to me. soul-talk that you refer to here/stemming from a surrendered/bowed low heart is a reminder to me that Jesus wants to counsel the soul practically/everyday/”many times most days” and surrender moves me out of paralysis of hindering inhibitions and fears to life-living/living His purposes!
i’m so glad this song made it as one of the eleven!! it is soul-encouraging!!!!
and crystal is right, mike would say you are as beautiful as EVER. soul-smiling IS reflected in your eyes…though it may take a little time to come as naturally in poised shots, “in process” is still genuine surrendered ami, who is BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you, sweet Steph!
I’ve loved this song from that very 1st time you shared it at Cre8. It’s an anthem to rising, with the strength of our Saviour pushing to upright that part which will become whole again… one day.
This project, your willingness to allow us to ride this bumpy ride with you and thus work through our own caverns of grief and loss, carries a healing balm that is touching many hearts.
Rise we must. With His help the smile behind the eyes will light again. ❤️??
Thank you Sheri! xoxox
The photo is beautiful but anyone who knows you can see that there is truly something missing from your smile… I look forward to the seeing that precious smile of old again. As for the song… well. It too is inspiring and wonderful.
Thank you so much Shelley!
I hope ppl understand that ppl aren’t going crazy through the grief-walk. We are just learning to live with achy spaces that take a while to fill again.
I love this! It’s something I needed to hear…I never thought about the soul being the core to everything else in your body. And instead of clenching fist doing the opposite of complete surrender, and resting in His arms which will give freedom in our struggles.
Thanks Ami for allowing God to work in you and shine to others. I appreciate your vulnerability and sharing your beautiful journey with us.
I’m so glad these thoughts helped you today. Thank you for sharing that with me! Comments like that are healing to my soul (and give me real purpose-results to talk back to it when it’s storming out in tantrum mode!). Reminders that God’s Glory wins! Because … surrender allows Him the full access.
Blessings in the miracles you will see rise in your life!
I think this might be my new favorite song, truly. When you say, “I can have HOPE but still be living ‘in process.'” I say, “YES!!!” I know this song was/is your soul’s desire as you walk through grief, but Ami… This song. It’s. So. Much. Bigger! It applies to all of us who have had to face something unexpectedly awful and fight that root of bitterness. This is why we Christians are so different from the world: We have HOPE in Christ. Thank you for choosing daily to honor the Lord and Mike’s memory through NOT allowing bitterness to take hold. I think you deserve a purple heart for that fight, my friend.
Wow, Laura! Thank you!!! ❤️+?=?
This is beautiful and going to be one of my favorites for sure! You have beautiful eyes even in sorrow and grief. Your love for your husband was incredibly captured by Mabyn when you were looking at him. So thankful to know you will one day look into his eyes again and all sorrow will fade. Mabyn better be ready on that reunion day!!
Beautiful song. Inspiring to see you grow in your grief through your God given talent.
Hugs
Ami, I shared this with my cousin Martha that just lost her 20 year old son unexpectedly. She is a part time minister at a small Presbyterian church. She is giving her first sermon since Luke’s death, and this song was an inspiration for her sermon. She said this song and blog really ministered to her. Her sermon is going to be about kneeling in surrender and tie it into the wise men. I just wanted to let you know that your words and music really made an impact on her during her deep grief.